I Hate Morning People

When I am on my way to work, I do not like stoppages or cessation of movement of any kind. People who stand on the escalators when they should walk, waiting at stoplights for the left-turn lane to empty its contents across my path, just missing a train and having to wait four more minutes for another one – these are the things that send my pulse (and my feelings of fury!) through the roof even though they only constitute differences of minutes in terms of my ultimate arrival. I am notoriously late and I am always rushing to get in on time, no matter how good the intentions. I hate and despise being late but I hate and despise getting up even more.

I have come to realize that for me time balloons in the morning when I am lying in bed hitting the snooze button but collapses shortly thereafter when I step out the door to begin my commute. 

This morning I had to be in for a 9 am meeting, that I was leading, and for which people were COMING TO MY OFFICE. It was vitally important to the small part of me that still cares about saving face (Dance on the bar? Sure! Draw attention to myself at parties? I’M YOUR MAN. But show up in a harried panic to my office where a coterie of bright-eyed and bushy-tailed morning risers is waiting for me, coffee in hand, exchanging looks? No. Fucking. Way. Dude.) that I arrive in enough time to take off my coat, get some water, and turn on my computer.

So do you think that happened this morning? DO YOU?

Well if you did you would be wrong dear readers.

The dialogue in my head before stepping out the door this morning at 8:26 am went something like this (keep in mind the original plan was to leave at 8 to be in by 8:30):

7:30 am – If I don’t take a shower I can sleep for another 10 minutes. I can leave at 8:05 and it will be fine. 

7:40 am – [snooze]

7:50 am – Must. Sleep. Longer. As long as I leave by 8:15 I will be fine. I’ll get in at 8:45, and really, 15 minutes is enough time to get settled in.

8:00 am – Oh lord I really have to get up. I guess I can leave at 8:20. 8:20 will be fine. 

8:05 am – I mean 8:25. As long as I am in BEFORE 9 am. Getting in at 8:55 will work. Yeah.

Needless to say, I arrived at 8:55 am and guess what? GUESS WHAT? The bright-eyed bushy-tailed folks were EARLY (these fucking people I swear to God) and waiting at my door. WAITING AT THE DOOR! Who shows up to a meeting EARLY?

I hate morning people.